Just for the Shock Value
by Moonpuppy
Summary: Minor slash-not telling who. Harry is bored, when two of his Dad's best friends come to take him for the summer and over the school year...
1. Birthday

Just for the Shock Value  
  
A Harry Potter Fic based on Complete Asinity and A Writer's Need to Express Comedy and Do Something About Insomnia  
  
Spoilers: Um. All or none, depending on opinion.  
  
Some slash, not spoiling who though (Reread Title)  
  
Disclaimer: I Wish It Were Mine; I Could Use the Money and I Want a Moony to hug.  
  
Have Fun!  
  
Chapter 1: Summer Vacation. Another year forced with them.  
  
The Dursleys. The complete opposite of everything Harry was.  
  
Well, this summer would be different.  
  
Although Harry had no idea how different indeed.  
  
Happy Birthday.  
  
Again. But Harry wasn't concerned about the next morning. It would be bad, sure, but his friends would pull through. Ron, Hermione, Hagrid, and Sirius should be sending him packages about now.  
  
At 1:30 A.M. July 31st, he sat at his window, waiting.  
  
'Here they come', he thought as he watched the small flying figures in a path that cut off his view of the full moon.  
  
Full moon. He spared a moment to think about his father's old friend and his ex-professor, Remus Lupin. He then remember his godfather was staying with him, and he smiled at the image of Padfoot and Moony running playfully in some secluded woods like they would with the rest of their childhood gang.  
  
He then realized that maybe Professor Lupin- Try as he might he just couldn't call the man Remus, and certainly not Moony- might have sent him a present along with Sirius's.  
  
He opened the window for the owls. A school issue owl, which would be Hagrid's, Ron's owl Pig, and Hedwig carrying several letters and parcels. He gave them some water and opened up Ron's package first.  
  
A small bottle with bluish liquid and small red bubbles flowing through it like a lava lamp, some candy and Mrs. Weasley's snacks, a small drawstring bag from Fred and George with a note saying, "A token of appreciation for our most generous sponsor," a letter and a newspaper clipping. Harry read his letter.  
  
Happy Birthday!  
  
Wow, things have been crazy here. Mum's been worried sick, Dad's overworked by the Ministry and Dumbledore, Bill, Charlie and Percy are all here insisting on letting them protect us while they cast a bunch of charms and wards, Fred and George have been working hard on their joke shop merchandise, and Ginny's been going nuts over her new crush. She keeps sending him owls, and he finally responded back. She framed it and giggles as she walks by it, but personally I don't like seeing a note saying "Get lost Weasel!" every time I use the stairs.  
  
The thing I got you is called a Faerie Tube. It changes colors, shapes and spins when it's turned on. Try it out.  
  
By the way, I know you don't get the Daily Prophet so I thought I'd send you an article my family couldn't stop laughing about. Apparently Sirius Black has been spotted.  
  
Read this, Harry, and try not to think of Snuffles like this. Something tells me this is his real personality though. Poor Mr. Moony.  
  
Anyway, see you at school.  
  
Ron  
  
Harry smiled as he put the letter on his table top. He put the lamp next to it, turning it on and marveling at the light display spiraling and twisting across his room. He then began reading the article, unable to stop from laughing hysterically.  
  
Black Spotted Across Seas! Eludes Ministry.  
  
Sirius Black, 37, infamous Azkaban escapee, was spotted by several Muggles in Toronto, Ontario, Canada.  
  
According to them, he suddenly appeared in the middle of of a Muggle nightclub, running circles singing some song they labeled "Kum Ba Yah" while wearing nothing but a Santa hat, a pair of red sneakers and a pair of Muggle boxer shorts with black dog paw prints on them. When the Muggles had confronted him about this obviously odd behavior, he looked shocked and exclaimed "This isn't Amsterdam!" before apparating away.  
  
The Ministry has posted agents in both Canada and the Netherlands to insure his capture.  
  
The Muggles begged to assist because, quote, "He looked like a guy who knew how to have a helluva party!" As most of the club goers were on heavy mind altering substances, it was allowed, but it is the personal opinion of this writer that Black was either drunk, had finally snapped from Azkaban or he was just searching for a good time.  
  
Harry found this extremely funny. He was wheezing hysterically as he opened Hermione's package.  
  
An official World Cup Snitch signed by the Bulgarian Quidditch team, and he smiled as he saw the message Viktor Krum, the Bulgarian Seeker, had written, "One dai we shal haf tu fli aganst one another, Harry!" He read Hermione's letter.  
  
I hope you like this, I asked Viktor if he would give you an autograph but he insisted on this for you and one for Ron, too. It's great here with his family, and my Bulgarian is quite good now, which is amazing since I only knew several words before I came here. I hope this summer is a bit better than your last. Are you staying with Sirius or the Dursleys? Either way, I hope you are well and keeping up your studies, we have O.W.L.s this year. Anyway, we should meet again to buy our supplies. Send a time you can come, I'll check it with Ron. Until then,  
  
Hermione  
  
Harry put her letter by Ron's and pulled over Hagrid's.  
  
Some of Hagrid's rather good birthday cake, not his usual hard rock cake, and a small wooden dragon he carved. Another card.  
  
Harry  
  
I 'ope ye enjoy yer present.  
  
I tried t' make it look like tha' Horntail ye fought las' year.  
  
Ye could prob'bly use some snacks, so I sen' ye this.  
  
'Ave a Happy Birthday, Harry!  
  
Harry lovingly put the statue next to his other gifts and pulled out his Horntail statue. It did bear a remarkable resemblance. He smiled as he looked at his letters and gifts, then he reached for the last two parcels.  
  
He opened one letter, surprised to see it wasn't from Sirius or Remus, but from Viktor Krum.  
  
Harry,  
  
Her-mi-knee sayd that it was yor beerthdai, so I got you this. I thot you coold use it against that Faret Boi Malfoi if he geves you ani mor trobl. Hapii beerthdai.  
  
Viktor.  
  
After translating the words so he could understand completely, he opened the package. It was a book by a Bulgarian writer, translated to English, called "Advanced Dueling, Curses, Counter-Curses and Wards, Level 1." He flipped through it, imaging the many ways he could use them against his school rival. He laughed when he saw that Viktor had circled one, "Rodent Transformation: Ferrets".  
  
The last package had to be from Sirius, at least, if not Remus as well, so he ripped open the letter-  
  
And read Fleur Delacour's small writing.  
  
Bonjour! I felt tha' I owed you a gift, an' I decided tha' I woul' start by senging a birthday presen' an' asking if you woul' li' to be owl amis. It woul' no' only hel' moi wit mon English, bu' it woul' be goo' to be in touch wit some one who I ha' a goo' match agains'. I hope this letter fin's you in goo' health, an' please respon' soon.  
  
Au Revour, Mon Ami,  
  
Fleur.  
  
She had sent him a small glowing globe that when held in his palm gave off soft, soothing rhythmic noises and a pleasant smell. The lights helped the effect, and it was a wonderful relaxation tool- Which with his amount of stress was a very welcome gift.  
  
But he hadn't found anything from Sirius or Remus. He wasn't exactly expecting a gift from Remus- Well, actually, Remus had given him the Map for his fourteenth birthday, even if it was early, so Remus actually did owe him something this year-but to be denied by his own godfather.!  
  
He felt like crying, but he realized he still had a lot of friends, some of whom he didn't even realize were his friends.  
  
And he still had one last present. He picked up the bag from the twins and sighed. He was a bit nervous about this one, and he slowly opened up the bag.  
  
Fireworks. "Weasley's Color Bang Fireworks" as the label said. He read the small letter that came with it, describing it. "These'll shoot up with the usual bang, but they'll paint anything within three feet of it a random color, which won't go away for six hours. It's an idea we had been tossing around for a while but could never quite purchase the right ingredients for- one of many that you've helped us create. As this is the only one we've tested fully, we decided to give you an assortment for your birthday. Thank you for the help, Harry."  
  
Harry was glad to see his generosity hadn't been wasted. He closed the bag, then packed all his gifts into the loose floorboard.  
  
But still, how could Sirius of all people forget him?  
  
He fell asleep, dreaming about a rabid clown that had stolen Sirius's old motorcycle and looked surprisingly like Neville. The Neville-Clown preformed several Evil Canival stunts while juggling some of the twin's fireworks- which exploded everywhere- a Snitch and a white-blonde ferret that had been painted many colors. For some odd reason, a little girl kept yelling about missing her Velcro buckle shoes and blew bubbles at the clown. A black man came up to Harry and told him this was all a part of the Matrix, and if he took the red pill he could learn more but if he took the blue pill he could ignore all this. As he had been taught never to accept strange pills from strange men, he merely walked away. Sirius started to stand on his head, dressed like he had in Toronto, and Remus was fishing with a carrot for bait wearing only a kilt and mismatched socks. Hermione had been transfigured into a large stack of books, and only spoke in Mandarin but with an oddly Scottish accent. And Ron was flying in circles above them all yelling "I'm a birdie, I'm a birdie!"  
  
Harry woke with the sun and realized immediately the dream had meant he would should be concerned about the day ahead because anything could happen. But he certainly hoped he would never see Snape wearing a white basketball uniform and frilly pink tutu and holding a wand with a star on the top that played music when tapped. 


	2. Breakfast

Chapter 2:  
  
We last left our hero in a dazed stupor from a rather bizarre dream.  
  
He was saddened by the lack of interest from the closest thing he had to family.  
  
Besides his family. They didn't count.  
  
Anyway, how will our hero ever survive?  
  
Aw, hell, he's the Boy Who Lived, he'll think of something.  
  
Breakfast.  
  
Sure, it was his birthday, but he still needed to cook for the Dursleys. He felt a little weary of the eggs as he cracked them because of Ginny's role in his dream- He still had no idea where she got the eggs, but he figured it was the same place Remus had bought his carrot- being a terrorist who got her demands met by threatening to, and occasionally actually doing it, crack eggs on heads and charm the gooey insides to stay mushy in their hair. That poor ferret.  
  
Still, he made the meals and served them. He then went outside and sat in a tree.  
  
He heard a large humming engine, but he ignored it until it stopped, when he sort of missed it. * * * Meanwhile, the doorbell rang. Mrs. Dursley answered it, expecting it to be a package.  
  
Instead she found herself staring at two handsome men, one leaning on the door frame and the other standing erect. The one leaning on the door was taller, darker, with long black hair and blue eyes. He was wearing snug but torn black jeans and a matching undershirt, and his left ear was pierced with a fanged earring. The other was dirty-blonde but graying prematurely, hazel eyed and had his long hair tied back neatly. He was wearing patchy khaki slacks, an oxford shirt, a blazer that matched his pants with both color and wear, and a tie with a white wolf on it.  
  
Poor Mrs. Dursley didn't know which she felt more attracted to, the wild boy or the scholar, but she knew that it was a choice she wasn't being asked to make.  
  
"Hiya. This the Dursleys?" the wild one asked pleasantly.  
  
She nodded, and the shorter one smiled. "Didn't I tell you? It was in his school registry."  
  
"You were right, as always. Why do you always gotta be right?"  
  
"Maybe it's not I'm always right but you're always wrong."  
  
The taller one laughed.  
  
"School?"  
  
"Yeah, I used to teach. I'm going back, actually, this year." The younger one flashed a polite smile, showing small fangs.  
  
Mrs. Dursley made a mental note to join the PTA and become quite active.  
  
"Are you here to tutor Dudley in his subjects over the summer? I requested a tutor."  
  
The smaller one smiled. "Sure, I guess."  
  
"We have a job, Remy."  
  
"Oh yeah. Um, may we come in?"  
  
Mrs. Dursley felt her heart leap. "Of course, would you like tea?"  
  
"Oh, yes, please."  
  
The wild boy grinned, "Any alcohol?"  
  
"Not this early!" the shorter one hissed.  
  
"Why not?"  
  
Mrs. Dursley marveled at how different the two were while she made the tea. She poured it for the smaller man but handed the taller man coffee as a compromise. He took it.  
  
"Perhaps we should explain ourselves," the shorter man said after he took a sip. "My name is Remy Lupin. This is Steven Black."  
  
"Hey." Mrs. Dursley nodded politely.  
  
"We're here to pick up one of my former students- and Steve here's Godson. Do you know where a Mr. Harry Potter would be?"  
  
"That boy?!"  
  
Steve smiled. "Well, damn, Remy, you and your people skills."  
  
"At least I have some." Steve laughed and slung an arm around the younger man's thin shoulders protectively. Remy leaned in.  
  
"So, how long have you two known Harry?"  
  
"We used to babysit for him. Steve is his Godfather, after all."  
  
"Harry said his Godfather was an escaped murderer."  
  
"Well, I didn't really kill the guy, I missed." Steve gave a wild but gorgeous smirk. "I meant to."  
  
"So, you say you're here to pick him up?"  
  
"Yes, ma'am. If we could."  
  
"Are you his kind?"  
  
"Absolutely. Two of the best."  
  
"Steve!"  
  
"Well, it was a valid question."  
  
"You should stop answering those."  
  
Mrs. Dursley's mind raced as she tried to recall the names.  
  
"Oh, no. You're that guy Lily brought home a lot, the one who kept insisting you cook and clean, always sending off letters and blushing. And you're the other guy she brought sometimes, the one who dyed my hair green. Monday and Paddle."  
  
"Moony and Padfoot," Remy growled. Steve just stared.  
  
"Oh my GOD! 'Tunia! How have you been, girl?!" He jumped up and hugged her. "It's been so long! And I used Muggle dyes."  
  
She suddenly felt uneasy. They were just as attractive in their youth, but Lily had invited them and their two friends over a lot. She eventually married the lanky one. The four of them had been such trouble makers it put her completely off magical folk. These two had been horrible. The taller one was creative and impish, and the shorter would follow and bush softly. When they were apart they would owl each other constantly, and once she'd stolen one of the shorter boy's letters while the taller one was asleep. She was surprised- She'd been expecting a vividly detailed sexual offering and rather descriptive pleasures, but instead she found the taller boy's handwriting sent back to him, a devilish plan written on the page and the other having crossed it out in certain places.  
  
"No, that's not physically possible." "You should be worried about the cat." "Even Snape doesn't deserve that, Padfoot." "There's a comma splice." "I believe you mean to spell 'hideous', not 'hypotenuse'. A hypotenuse is not a physical description. Also, it's spelled with only one 'n'." It was the greatest disappointment of her life.  
  
She led them to the backyard. "Harry, you have some guests!"  
  
Harry was so confused he fell from his tree. Aunt Petunia was being kind? Why?  
  
He took a casual glance. Ah, of course. She'd wanted to impress the two attractive young men. He got up, dusting himself off.  
  
"Are you alright, Harry?" a familiar voice asked with concern.  
  
"Sure, just give me a second so I can pop my knee back in place-Ah!" He turned to them. The first guests he'd ever had besides that time Hagrid came to pick him up.  
  
He tried to place the faces, but it was hard when he was seeing triple. Once his eyes focused, he looked at the taller man, who waved.  
  
"Who the hell are you?"  
  
"That's not very polite of you, Harry." This voice was familiar too, and he turned to it. The hair was a little longer, but other wise-  
  
"Professor?! Then he's-"  
  
"Amazing what a month of good grooming and hard exercise can do, isn't it?" Remus walked over to Sirius, running a hand along his arm to show the muscle that had built there. "This is how he used to look. I remember how much we teased him about this." He pulled on the fang.  
  
"Hey! Moony! Ow! Bad Wolfie! Down!"  
  
"Si-Sirius?"  
  
He nodded. Harry squealed and ran up to him, hugging him tightly. Finally, he would have a good holiday. Especially when he saw Sirius had his bike back and even offered to teach Harry to fly it. 


	3. Bike

Chapter 3:  
  
So our hero's loved ones really did love him.  
  
(Did that make sense? Probably not.)  
  
The Boy Who Lived thus joined the Scholar and the Runaway.  
  
The only two surviving members of the greatest Mischief-makers known.  
  
Oh hell, what did I do to him?  
  
Motorcycle.  
  
"WHOO-HOO!" Harry yelled as he climbed on the bike.  
  
"See, Moony, I told you he'd love it. I missed her too. My baby." Sirius ran his hand possessively along the fuel tank. Harry slapped it away, caressing the bike himself.  
  
"I used to dream about this bike."  
  
Lupin grew even paler than usual. "Sirius, didn't I tell you not to take him out on it-"  
  
"They were such great dreams. You used to take me out?" Sirius nodded. "Then maybe I remember you. Professor, why are you so nervous?"  
  
"Because Siri took you with him when he went for beer runs!"  
  
"Aha! That explains why there was always someone yelling 'BOOOOZZE!' in the background."  
  
"He was reckless sober, Harry!"  
  
Sirius patted Lupin's back. "Don't get yer panties in a twist."  
  
"I do not wear panties."  
  
"Right then. Hop off for a sec, mate, I need to drive her home first." Harry nodded. He counted. Two seats. Three people. He counted again, but found that his basic math skills had indeed been correct the first time. "How will we fit?"  
  
"Oh, I'll just apparate home."  
  
"Oh no you don't, Remus! You are going to learn to love this bike if it kills me!" Remus and Harry looked confused.  
  
"Don't you mean until it kills me?" Remus asked suddenly.  
  
"No! Moony'll eat me alive before you love this thing."  
  
"Then why do you waste your time, Sirius?" Harry asked. Lupin put a hand on his shoulder. "Don't even question it, Harry, the man is the biggest bloody fool you will ever meet."  
  
"Ah."  
  
"If we're done debating my intellectual capabilities, Harry can have the backseat and Moony can sit in my lap."  
  
"Are you sure, Sirius?"  
  
"That would be a little uncomfortable for you, wouldn't it, Siri?"  
  
Sirius scoffed. "Get on the damn bike." He scooted back a little, patting his thighs. Harry climbed behind him and gripped his waist for support. Remus sighed, climbing on. "I hate this, Sirius Black."  
  
"Don't pull that on me, Remy, not when you were the one holding Harry and screaming along with me." He blushed. Sirius punched his shoulder. "Admittedly, you got pretty damned air sick some times."  
  
"Wolves belong on the ground."  
  
"Oh? Well, this dog was meant to fly!" He revved it loudly and sped down the drive. Harry let out a wail of excitement that resonated melodically with Remus's yelp of unadulterated fear. Sirius kicked them off the ground, getting louder screams from both of them. Remus was clutching Sirius tightly in fear, but Harry had let go, hands on the sides of the seat as he looked down.  
  
"Like a big broom," he remarked.  
  
"Better!" Sirius laughed. "Hey! We should play Quidditch when we get back!"  
  
"Oh no no brooms." Harry noticed that the usually sickly Lupin had turned an exceptionally odd shade of green, and had oddly lost all function of spoken commas. "Can you play?"  
  
"Sure as hell can! Remy here sucks though. He can get up fine, but."  
  
~~~FLASHBACK~~~  
  
First flying lesson: Sirius was a giddy idiot like usual.  
  
James was calm, collected, and beaming.  
  
Lily was having very little difficulty with hers.  
  
Peter was slow and bumbling, but he was certainly flying.  
  
The Slytherins.  
  
Crabbe and Goyle were tossing Avery between them while LeStrange threw small rocks from his pockets for Snape and Malfoy to catch.  
  
Everyone else could get it, but not poor Remus Lupin.  
  
Oh, sure, he'd gotten it off the ground- had been the first, actually. But once it rose and he'd mounted it, he'd started sobbing and screaming in fear. So while the others zipped around, little Remus just hovered there hugging the broom for dear life, even if it was only four feet off the ground.  
  
~~~END~~~  
  
Harry was amazed. He'd never met anyone so amazingly bad at flying before- Even Neville could move the broom.  
  
"Did you really, Professor?" Lupin didn't say anything, he just leaned over the side and hurled.  
  
Sirius and Harry watched, amazed. "...Hungry, Harry?"  
  
"Actually, a little bit."  
  
"How can you two talk about eating?!" Remus wailed.  
  
"Oh, it's easy. Like saying the sky is a beautiful shade of blue- As it quickly whips past us!- and the birds are singing softly in my ear- Think if I swerve to run into them it'll shut them up, Harry?- And there you go again, Remus, I can't believe you get so damn sick!"  
  
~~WARNING! WE INTERRUPT OUR SERENE STORY ~Moony hurls again~ TO ANNOUCE THAT THE WRITER OF THIS STORY HAS BEEN GRANTED PERMISSION TO MAKE "HARRY POTTER" INTO A SCI-FI ACTION THRILLER! WE HOPE YOU ENJOY~~  
  
Suddenly the happy sky around them was filled with small alien spacecraft.  
  
"Oh no, not again!" Sirius yelled, suddenly wearing a tight black pilot suit.  
  
"Harry, hit the after thrusts!"  
  
Harry pointed in front of Sirius. "It's right there."  
  
"Ah, yes! Remus, get out the ionic laser-like sub-particle beam weapon wave gun blaster!"  
  
Remus, now a man with pointy wolf ears and a tail, leaned over the side of the bike again.  
  
"Oh shit! Our gunner has come down with airsickness again! Harry, you take over the guns!"  
  
"Better yet, can I fly?"  
  
Sirius laughed. "No, of course not!"  
  
The lead spaceship hovered in front of them. Remus raised his head up and looked directly at it. "Oh shit oh shit oh shit I'm gonna die." he mumbled, scratching his new ears with the back of his foot.  
  
The UFO opened and a small alien thing came out. It was half human, half jittery, and half woozy. "Do youse guys know where we c'n find a Mr. Ben Dover?"  
  
"Ben Dover? Who's Ben Dover?"  
  
"Okay!" The alien bent over and smiled.  
  
Sirius clapped, marveled at the alien's witty- or not- joke, Remus was back to his usual aerial standards and Harry just groaned.  
  
"We shall come to take over your world with our deadliest weapon!" He held up a CD player/AM/FM radio boom box.  
  
"Dear Lord Harry! Help me get that thing away from him!"  
  
"Sirius, if you could afford to buy me a Firebolt two years ago, you can certainly afford a Wal-Mart brand radio."  
  
"But think of the devastating ways that could be used!"  
  
"Like, oh, to play music?"  
  
"Not just any music, Human! A special mix we made to destroy the human race!"  
  
Harry was shocked. What kind of disastrous music could do that? He imagined the alien wailing being sent across the airwaves, a hidden message going inside and melting the brains of the poor souls, both Muggle and Wizard. Although admittedly he kinda wanted to watch Dudley and Malfoy go through it, and Sirius was thinking the same thing about Snape. Remus just wanted Dramamine.  
  
The alien smiled as he played the CD in his hand. Suddenly, every radio in the world snapped on, playing loudly "My Heart Will Go On".  
  
Sirius and Harry covered their ears and screamed, and even Remus joined in.  
  
"You fiend!" Sirius yelled over the music.  
  
"What the hell is this?" Harry cried.  
  
"Our special mix we made to destroy the human race! Celine Dion, Cher, Faith Hill, Phil Collins, Eddie Arnold and of course-" He changed the song. "- The Macarena!"  
  
"AHHHHHHHHH!" they all screamed.  
  
"I have no choice!" Sirius yelled, "I have to blow us up for the sake of the world!"  
  
"Why not just use your wand?" Sirius blinked.  
  
"Oh. Yeah. Wand." He pulled out a small chicken. "WHAT IS THIS?!" It clucked at him.  
  
The alien gasped. "He has the sacred bird of our people!" The other aliens all stare in awe.  
  
"What, this?" Sirius waved the bird as it pecked his fingers.  
  
"If you give me that bird, we promise to leave your planet in peace!"  
  
"No! Break that damned CD!"  
  
The alien leapt, grabbing Sirius's hand. "Give the bird here!"  
  
"Get your filthy paws off me, you damned dirty- what the hell are you, anyway?"  
  
"A Lippali Pallipa."  
  
"A Lallapaloopa?"  
  
Harry was sick of this. He wanted to spend a nice vacation with his Godfather and his favorite teacher, and he was going to, dammit! He grabbed the alien. "Hi. I'm Ben Dover."  
  
The alien did so. Harry hit him over the head with Remus, who was trying to figure out why the hell he had a tail but no paws.  
  
The alien fell. "Let's go home."  
  
Sirius held the chicken still. "But I wand my wand back."  
  
Remus, gasping for air, finally looked at Sirius with a look of complete confusion. "But your wand was snapped before you went to Azkaban, Siri. Almost fourteen years ago."  
  
Sirius scratched his head. "It was?" He looked at the chicken. "It was, wasn't it? Then how did I get this thing?" Harry sighed.  
  
This was not how his vacation was supposed to happen. 


	4. Party

Disclaimer: This is where the Slash starts. On the plus side, it's comedy, not romance or angst or drama, so mostly it'll just be sex jokes, and I like making sex jokes.  
  
Chapter 4:  
  
Our hero is suffering quite the trial for his patience.  
  
Lucky him he actually likes the poor sods.  
  
Perhaps he shall over come this.  
  
Perhaps this hardship will make him stronger.  
  
Who am I trying to fucking kid here?  
  
Party.  
  
"What the hell was with those alien things?" Harry asked Sirius as they suddenly were back in their normal clothing. Except for Remus, who now had a far-too-cute headband with wolf ears and a fake tail.  
  
The Sci-Fi had been low budget after all.  
  
Remus Lupin's aerial charades had not changed in the slightest to Harry's chagrin.  
  
Sirius turned to the boy on his back. "What do you mean aliens? What the hell are those?"  
  
Harry sighed. He noticed that Sirius too had gained a costume, a black leather collar that said "Padfoot" on a small gold circle. He sighed again. Typical Sirius- or at least, it might have been. Harry was, after all, a second generation Marauder.  
  
Sirius laughed. "Wanna listen to music, Moony?"  
  
As Remus was too far on the other side to answer, Sirius took that as a yes. He turned on the radio.  
  
"And in current events, a group of aliens have come to Earth to try to take over the world!"  
  
"Huh! Listen to that, eh Moony, Harry was right."  
  
"i feel soo sick."  
  
"Good Moony."  
  
The radio continued. "They tried to use a CD compilation album to ruin the minds of our people, but it backfired when suddenly it became the number 1 easy listening hit album. They have opted to control us by our economy instead."  
  
"Well! Can you imagine that, Harry?"  
  
"Please don't tell me there are Muggles who enjoy that stuff."  
  
"I know!" Heavy metal began to play loudly over Sirius's small speakers.  
  
"So how's your summer been, kid?"  
  
Harry groaned. "I practically live in a cupboard."  
  
"Really?"  
  
"Well, not anymore. But it's rather dull. How was yours? Anything big?"  
  
"Well. Where to begin? Ah, yes. First I had to go around recruiting people. Then I had to get back into shape. And Dumbledore paid me for my services- Don't you worry, I got you a nice birthday present. I found my bike- hello darling- and fixed her up. All in all, a good break."  
  
"How about you, Professor?"  
  
"I got my old job back but I got burdened with two extra mouths to feed and I don't have that much money and Sirius you bastard you forgot to tell him the most important part I gotta go irk!"  
  
As he went back, Sirius smiled evilly. "Oh yeah. Well, I also got a new broomstick for me! And then I found a secure job- I'll be coaching Quidditch at Hogwarts because Madam Hooch is going into retirement. Remus and I got married. I even managed to find a new wardrobe, and I got my ear pierced again! Like it?" He said this all very quickly, except for the last sentence.  
  
"I guess. Wait, what?"  
  
"Wanna see Moony's tattoo?" Before either Harry or Remus could protest Sirius had pulled his shirt out of his pants and lowered them slightly to display the wolf and dog running in the full moon in the small of his back.  
  
"Oh that tattoo I thought you meant one of the other ones."  
  
"You have other ones?"  
  
"Yes but Sirius is not stripping me to show them off because I don't even want to admit where some of them are I mean what tattoos don't be silly I only have the one oh my dear lord I feel so ill but still Harry I don't think you should get one I only have this one and my Werewolf Registry number-"  
  
"And 'Sirius was here' right on you ass. But the one I really like is the little stars going around your waist, especially Canis Major right over your belly button. And then you have that one on your ankle of the two little mars symbols- and the one's inside the other with the second rearing his head at the moon. So fucking sexy, when you see them all."  
  
Harry looked appalled at Remus, who had finally risen and was chewing gum. "You actually sleep with this guy?"  
  
Remus shrugged. "We all make mistakes. I just wish I could have taken it back when it mattered. And sometimes it's worth it."  
  
"Aw, Moony!"  
  
Remus winked at Harry. "Actually," he whispered to his godson-in-law, "Siri's very sexy, and he's probably the best mate I could have picked, but don't tell him that."  
  
Harry looked quizzical. "My original question still stands- You actually sleep with this guy?"  
  
"Hey, don't knock until you try it." He laughed as he cuddled in Sirius's embrace. "And if you try it I'll kill you. Besides, the whole tattoo thing was just that Sirius thought it would be sexy to play with needles and ink last night. I was bit preoccupied to protest-"  
  
"That and I had you pinned and squealing. And pleading! 'Oh! Siri please! Siri! God yes! Siri! Siri, I love you! OH! Love you sooo much-Oh! Oh oh oh YEEESSSS!', if I recall the begging correctly."  
  
Harry winced. "Like walking in on your parents."  
  
"Oh, dear, I really yelled like that?"  
  
"Yep. I distinctly remember there were three 'E's."  
  
"Oh, dear." Remus's face was bright red, and Harry realized he could have rivaled Ron, easily. "But Sirius gave me these. And I will never again participate in one of Sirius Black's little sex games."  
  
Sirius lifted his own shirt, showing a dog and a wolf wrestling in the forest on his left shoulder blade. "He likes to play, too, Harry, don't let him fool you. He tries to be by the book, but he's completely unconventional."  
  
Remus hit him, and Sirius laughingly put his shirt back on.  
  
The bike landed beside a nice, cozy cottage by the Dark Forest.  
  
"You live near Hogwarts?"  
  
"Hogsmeade, but yes. Welcome to your new home." Remus opened the door and was shocked.  
  
"SIRIUS BLACK, WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO?!?"  
  
~~WARNING! WE INTERRUPT OUR DRAMATIC SCENE TO ANNOUCE THAT THE WRITER OF THIS STORY HAS BEEN GRANTED PERMISSION TO MAKE "HARRY POTTER" INTO A TELEVISION SITUATION COMEDY! WE HOPE YOU ENJOY~~  
  
Sirius looked inside. "D'oh!" he yelled, falling off his bike. Harry dared a peak.  
  
Inside the house were Hermione and Ron. Hermione had brought Viktor, too, Harry noted, and for some odd reason Draco Malfoy was there too. The first three were holding presents, the last his wand.  
  
"HAPPY BIRTHDAY HARRY!!!" Ron, Viktor and Hermione yelled, Viktor yelling it with only a slight mispronunciation. Draco held the wand up high and started to yell, too- "AVADA KE-"  
  
But Remus snatched his wand. Draco actually began to cry until Remus gave it back, scolding him. "It's not nice to use the unforgivable curses, Mr. Malfoy."  
  
"I'll handle this, Moony, you go upstairs and change into something else."  
  
"I like these clothes, Padfoot-"  
  
"Jesus, you would wear that to a party."  
  
"I don't have anything else."  
  
"Put on something of mine. We wear the same size."  
  
The children looked at him. Sirius was a good four inches taller and a bit broader.  
  
He shrugged. "We do."  
  
Remus snarled like his wolf as he stomped up the stairs, and Sirius sat down.  
  
"So. Welcome home. I guess this is a really good surprise."  
  
Hermione spoke up. "Mr. Black-"  
  
"Jesus, Herm, call me Sirius."  
  
"Mr. Black, you didn't even tell Remus you were going to invite us all to his house?"  
  
"Hey, it's my house too! Sorta. I live here."  
  
Draco scoffed. "Why in hell am I here?"  
  
"'PARTY!'" Sirius informed him. "I believe those were your exact words."  
  
"Not much of one."  
  
"Well, then let's fix it." He pulled out a large cake. In fact, it was too large.  
  
"Oh my dear lord, you got him a stripper?!" Remus yelled as he came down the stairs in baggy Muggle jeans and a t-shirt that seemed appropriate for Sirius but not for him. (I'm Lazy, Unorganized, Immature and Loud- BUT I'M FUN!)  
  
The cake did open, and out popped Fred Weasley's head. "A stripper?"  
  
His twin joined him. "We missed her?"  
  
"Dammit, this was supposed to be chocolate!" Sirius wailed.  
  
"I don't particularly like Weasel flavored."  
  
"Shut up about my family Malfoy!"  
  
"Where's the inside of it?!"  
  
"Christ, calm down, Siri, I baked one for him earlier anyway. Let me go get it."  
  
"Actually I don't really mind."  
  
"So, how was Romania, Hermione, I forgot to ask."  
  
"It was wonderful, Mr. Black! We got to see your brother, too, Ron."  
  
"Oh, really? That's good. What did he say?"  
  
"He said that 'Her-my-knee, you should try not to give Ron so much trouble and try to get him on the Quidditch team this year because my idiot brothers will never be any good even if they did win the Cup one year.' Was that what you wanted to hear?"  
  
"Hey!"  
  
"We're insulted!"  
  
"We're quite skilled at Quidditch!"  
  
"Right, Fred!"  
  
"I was a Beater too, y'know."  
  
"Here's the cake, Harry. I'm sorry if it's a little cold, but I kept it refrigerated while we went to get you."  
  
"CAKE!"  
  
"Back off it, Malfoy!"  
  
"Oh, let him have a piece, Ron, everyone deserves cake."  
  
"But Hermione it's Draco Malfoy."  
  
"I wanted the corner piece!"  
  
"Sirius, love, there are four corners."  
  
"Wow, Moony, you're the best!"  
  
"MOONY?!?"  
  
"Um, Fred, George, perhaps Harry should have told you we found out who made the Map."  
  
"The Map's still around?!?"  
  
"Um, Professor Lupin, perhaps you should have told Mr. Black that you gave Harry back the Map."  
  
"Call me Sirius!"  
  
"Love, the girl's merely polite."  
  
Harry could take no more. "Will everyone STOP ALL THIS NONSENSE?!?" Everyone shut up. Then they all looked at him. "HAPPY BIRTHDAY HARRY!!!" except, of course, Draco, who instead said, "This is damn good cake, Professor Wolfie!"  
  
"Draco, you shouldn't disrespect teachers," Hermione scolded. "Call him Professor Lupin."  
  
"Or Black!" Sirius giggled.  
  
"Sigh. Yes, or Black would be fine." Remus agreed grudgingly.  
  
"MOONY?!?" the twins yelped again.  
  
"Professor Moony. I kinda like it!"  
  
"Sirius, as you are the most juvenile person here, you have no more right to talk."  
  
Viktor gaped. "So you are the inn-fa-mus prisoner Serious Black?"  
  
"You mispronounced that name somehow, but I can't really tell how so I won't scold you- Holy shit you're that kid Seeker!"  
  
Harry smacked Draco. "May I have some of my own cake now?"  
  
"Get your own!"  
  
"That one's mine." But Draco cltched it to his chest and refused to share.  
  
"Ooh, Professor? As Viktor here is a student from Drumstrungs, where they put more emphasis on DADA, do you think that a sort of hands-on lesson for advanced curses would be out of place?"  
  
"Well, Ron, that's a good idea, and I was thinking about starting fifth years on them during the middle of the first semester- aw, there goes the surprise."  
  
"What I meant was, can we have Viktor curse Draco then change him back? You know, Defense."  
  
Viktor shrugged and pulled out his wand. "It would be no trouble, Professor." He blinked. "Ron, Her-my-knee, Harry. Did you realize your teacher was a werewolf?"  
  
"Absolutely!"  
  
"Abso-fuckin'-lutely!" Sirius yelled. "My Moony!"  
  
Draco looked up from the cake long enough for Harry to steal it and run. "OH MY GOD, YOU'RE A WHAT?!"  
  
"Funny, I could have sworn your favorite teacher announced it at my leave."  
  
"I get it now, he's Moony because of the wolf!"  
  
"Well, duh, Fred, but I still can't believe he's THE Moony!"  
  
"Oh for Christ's sake, Padfoot, shut them up."  
  
"PADFOOT?!?"  
  
"And here we go again." Ron moaned as Draco cried over first losing his wand then his cake and finally being the only one who didn't know Remus J. Lupin was a werewolf.  
  
(Poor bloody git. But I kinda like him in a "Just how much can I fuck with him?" sort-of way. My other HP story shows exactly how much, but it's drama, so no plugins here.)  
  
Harry was in a cupboard- he was quite used to them- and was shoveling down his treat while the others argued. Draco was right, it was damn good cake.  
  
Sirius stood up. "Who's up for Quidditch?"  
  
The twins, Ron, Draco, Viktor and Harry all leapt up, or on top of the cake as they trip out of the closet.  
  
"Damn, it's an odd number. And three of us are seekers. What do you play, Ron?"  
  
Ron shrugged. "Whatever's necessary, I guess."  
  
"Ah, versatile, eh?" Sirius winked, and Harry moaned.  
  
"Dear God, how did you make that sound dirty?" Remus pulled him over and whispered in his ear, shutting him up and making him blush deeply.  
  
".I'm scared." Draco said to break the silence, and Viktor, Ron and Hermione all nodded in agreement.  
  
Sirius sighed. "I guess you kids'll have to play by yourselves. Oh well. Run off then." he said with only a hint of regret. Then he realized something. He smiled. "Oh, Hermione, did Moony ever show you his book collection?"  
  
"No, but then again, this is my first visit."  
  
Sirius laughed, "Come on then!" He took her downstairs and showed her the library. When she approved and picked one up to read, Sirius ran out and locked the door.  
  
He then ran up and grabbed Remus's hand, dragging him up the stairs. "Quick, Moony, while they're all busy!" he giggled.  
  
"Are you ever not horny?"  
  
"So says you, you make me look like that idiot Snape when it comes to carnality. Celibacy!! Eww."  
  
"You say that like it's a fate worse than death."  
  
"No shit, Moony! Door locked, silencing spell just in case. Close the curtains baby."  
  
"I have work, Siri."  
  
"AW!!!"  
  
A Bludger suddenly smashed through the window. "Well, that settles it then. Later, Siri." Of course, the window repaired itself after being cracked, so this was nothing.  
  
"No no no no no!" Remus left the room, and Sirius found himself alone. He tried to follow, but his locking charm kicked in then and he was stuck.  
  
"AW!!!"  
  
Suddenly Ron fell off his broom through the window, crashing it. The window fixed again, and they were both locked in.  
  
Silence filled the room. Then Ron, "Sirius.?"  
  
"Yes, Ron, we are stuck."  
  
"No. Why are you in your underwear? And why does it have little wolf paw prints?"  
  
". Because Remus Lupin is a sexy beast?" he tried quickly with a small smile a soft blush.  
  
"Ah." He waked up to the window and started pounding. "LET ME OUT!!!"  
  
  
  
Remus did indeed have work. It was to prepare the materials for his classes. Granted, he could do this during the next two months, but he felt he owed it to Harry not to spend six hours locked up with his Godfather during daylight hours just to sate himself.  
  
So he went to the back shed, opened it, and started to separate the cages for kappa from the ones for merfolk. He had just set the piles when the twins crashed into the shed, both landing in a cage but not before tossing him inside with them.  
  
The cage lid fell, automatically locking. And all of their wands were outside the cage.  
  
"Oh bloody hell George.!"  
  
"Quite a mess you got us in this time, Fred."  
  
"Me? But you were the one who-"  
  
"No Fred, you did this."  
  
"You!"  
  
"You!"  
  
"It was both of you now shut up."  
  
"Dear God, I hope we get out before the next full moon! I mean, no offense, but I don't want to go furry in two." One twin said.  
  
"Me either." His brother.  
  
Remus sighed. "That makes it unanimous."  
  
  
  
Harry and Viktor both dived at once, and ended up crashing into each other. They fell, landing in a dumpster. Draco sat there in midair alone. He caught the snitch when everyone had left.  
  
".Does this mean I win?"  
  
Everyone else was locked and didn't even notice, so no.  
  
Draco smiled as he landed, ran inside and ate the rest of Harry's birthday cake. Sure, everyone else was locked up, but he didn't care. "CAAAKE."  
  
  
  
  
  
Six hours later.  
  
Now Draco was beyond bored. He started calling for people. When he didn't hear anyone, he started to yell. Finally he heard Hermione, and he opened up the library for her.  
  
"Well, that was rude of him! He locked me in!"  
  
"Why would he do that?"  
  
"Usually I'd say he didn't like me, but considering he was chanting 'Moony's so sexy, Moony's so sexy', I'd say he had his own plans. Probably locked in their room now."  
  
"?"  
  
They opened the door, expecting to see Moony and Padfoot mid-coitus. Instead they found Ron and Sirius sitting on the floor playing old maid.  
  
Draco has no tact. "Where's the SEX?!?"  
  
"With Ron? You pervert."  
  
"I'm not gay, he is."  
  
They eventually found the others, but they took their time. 


	5. Sitcom

Fore note: This chapter's a bit different from the others for two, six reasons. First off, while I am still an insomniac I now have no laptop. No big deal, right? Well, it would be if I didn't have two half-finished chapters for two different stories on it. Luckily, I vaguely remember some details about Chapter 5 (it had new characters and it was still a sitcom.) but when my computer is returned in three weeks I can mince this version and the other together. Also, I'll regain the pseudo- poem at the beginning of this chapter, which I really like these poems since they're both spoilers and summaries.  
  
Secondly, I am completely awake as I write this. Usually this story is written between 12:30-3:30, mostly around two A.M. Regardless of being awake or not, hell, especially if you're awake, you go crazy at 2:00 A.M. I blame the ATF, since I need a scapegoat.  
  
C- This chapter is meant to be funny. It might not be since it wasn't produced at normal times. However, it might be, since Abinikai's JAC GW story is based on a comic I draw in awake hours. Yet this one is meant to be an Anything-Goes story in the extremist form.  
  
4- For Chapter 5 I shall post a short story, completely unrelated to this one but part of a larger project I'm doing for my as-yet-non-existent website. It's where I, David Moonpuppy Ottewa, turn my favorite anything characters Chibi and do mean things to them as only a sado-masochistic slash-fic loving dorm student high on Pixy Stix can. The first one has Chibi Moony and Padfoot, plus my pet plant Jim. Yes, I have a pet plant named Jim.  
  
Once again, this is based on the anime Excel Saga, which makes this story seem easy to understand. All the characters are twisted, save Harry and Snape, and this is vital to the plot I will reveal around Chapter 9. Yes, people, there is a plot.  
  
And finally, a bit of confession. My favorite character is Moony, he was before I read my first HP slash. After him it's the twins, who I consider one character with two parts, then Sirius, then Draco. Fifth is Neville. Therefore, all five will have bigger parts than Ron and Hermione, who I'm not too fond of. Neville comes soon, as Hyatt to those who know XS, or to everyone, Kenny McCormick. This story is about Harry though, and will thus focus mostly on him.  
  
So anyway.  
  
Chapter 5  
  
I lack a poem, therefore I shall use a short story I wrote in response to a challenge from the Marauder's_Slash mailing list. Requirements were -50 words and "Caught in the act." Enjoy it.  
  
"Oops." James looked up.  
  
Peter fainted.  
  
"How could you? With him, of all people" Remus.  
  
"Fuck." Sirius.  
  
Snape scowled. "Well, we were."  
  
James nodded.  
  
"FUCK!"  
  
Sitcom.  
  
He was flying on an old Comet 2. Maybe he could get there before the day ended. Maybe before next Tuesday. Most likely two days before the new term.  
  
The broom fell. He fell with it, straight into the Forbidden Forest.  
  
CRASH.  
  
~*~*~  
  
Harry and Viktor were already free from their cage. In fact, they'd left hours ago and had gone to Honeyduke's, the Three Broomsticks, and Zonko's. Currently Viktor was owling his family some of Honeyduke's Best Chocolate and Butterbeer from the Post Office.  
  
They were fine. However, Remus and the twins were shouting and banging the glass.  
  
Granted, the banging was actually in rhythm and they were shouting "Brass Monkey that funky monkey, Brass Monkey junkie that funky monkey," but it was shouting and they were still locked in, and to top it off George was off-key.  
  
Oddly enough, the noise wasn't heard by the people in the house. No, it was heard by their nearest neighbor, a cross young man who lived two kms away. This man's name was Severus Snape.  
  
Now, Snape hates five things above all else. The Potters. A friend of the Potters is just as bad, because to the Potters, friends were practically family. Gryffindores. The Potters and their little friends could all rot in hell, and so could their offspring and their offspring's children as far as Snape was concerned. People who drink tea with sugar and cream instead of honey. Ooh, he hated that, using sweeteners not intended to be mixed into the drink. Werewolves. He would never forget his third year. And most of all, he hates Sirius Black. All of the above apply to him, and together it makes something more foul.  
  
Lupin also applied to all. A Gryffindore werewolf pal of Potters. Black had converted him from simply using honey to two creams, eight sugars. And to top it all off, he was fucking Black senseless. He abhorred Lupin with a passion he only spared for Black. Gryffindor twins 1 and 2 did not help any.  
  
Especially as all three were stripped down to their boxers, or briefs in twin 1's case, and one shoe each, dancing and singing "YMCA", a song much more fun with a gay man who came out 1977.  
  
Snape sighed. "Do I even want to know why you three are prancing around a cage like faeries?"  
  
Twin 2 smiled, pointing at Lupin. "He is one!"  
  
Snape noted that Twin 2's boxers had a little Snitch flying over them. Lupin's were the same as the pair from Chapter 1, Snape was even willing to bet the exact same pair.  
  
"Silence, insolent! Faeries and werewolves are two different things altogether! Although I knew about his sexual preference. I also know which one's on top." Regardless, he opened the cage.  
  
Remus blushed. "Oh yeah, Potions tutorials sixth year."  
  
Twins 1 and 2 looked intrigued, but Lupin merely said, "A story for another day." And invited Snape in for tea.  
  
Snape's forehead has one of those twitching veins. It was twitching now. Lupin would certainly put sugar in it, and Black would slip poison, alcohol or worse, aphrodisiacs. He reconciled, offering a final insult he knew Lupin's lupine ears would catch.  
  
~*~*~  
  
He lay dead for a few moments, then he rose and started to crawl along the forest floor. As he crawled, someone rescued him.  
  
Well. . . They couldn't save him from himself.  
  
"Darn my bad luck."  
  
~*~*~  
  
"LIM-BO! LIM-BO!" they were shouting as Fred, George and Remus walked in. "Tequila" was playing on a radio and Draco was almost sliding across the floor under a bar that was only an inch higher than he was. He passed, Hermione was next.  
  
"Moony baby!" Sirius yelled, jumping into his confused lover's arms and kissing him deeply. Hermione naturally hit the bar.  
  
"I win!" Draco yelled, sounding like a giddy idiot. No one noticed.  
  
"What took ya, Moony Baby?"  
  
"Got locked in. Ran into Snape."  
  
"What'd he say?"  
  
" 'Give that mutt of yours a rectal pump for me.'"  
  
Fred and George looked shocked. "I have good hearing."  
  
Sirius growled something along the lines of "But I'M the butch." but everyone had guessed that. "'Course, it could be fun."  
  
"Sirius Lee Black!" Remus yelled. He had gone several shades of red and had slipped into the orange spectrum.  
  
Finally, Fred spoke up. "Official Gryffindor cocksmokers!"  
  
George added, "Bum-banging professors!"  
  
"Puppy sex," Hermione added, thinking about how cute they looked together.  
  
"Doggie style!" Ron piped in.  
  
"How can you think of doggie style when one of you is a wolf once a month?" Fred asked.  
  
"Wouldn't that be wolfie style then?" George asked his brother.  
  
Draco was scratching his head. (He hadn't caught on they were a couple yet.) Remus and Sirius were too busy gaping at the audacity.  
  
"It's James and Peter all over again," Remus moaned.  
  
"And here I thought our worst coming out story would always be that time your mum sent us to that Episcopal Gay-Reform clinic."  
  
"Damned stupid of them to say we could be roommates." Remus sighed. "But the children don't need to hear about that."  
  
Of course, the children wanted to, except Hermione who spoke up. "Actually, I already knew about that. It was one thing Mr. Black was charged for. 'Desecrating a Muggle Religious Facility by means of Pre-Martial Sex With An Underage Werewolf of the Same Sex, and Article 33b- Sub-paragraph 2 Footnote 6 of the Werewolf Registry Pact says that, quote, 'Lycantropes are not allowed to engage in sexual intercourse due to mating restrictions, even if they so choose a mate of the same sex,' which I think is rather silly since most werewolves are known to respond as females sexually regardless of gender-"  
  
"Hermione, you do know that if you know too much you start to fade away?" Ron sneered.  
  
"That's not true."  
  
Remus cleared his throat. "Um, actually. I have a book on it right here." He pointed at a bookshelf, and Ron pulled off a copy of 'Strange Magical Afflictions You Really Didn't Want To Know About'.  
  
"Our Aunt died that way. Knowing too much," Fred added.  
  
"What was she?" Hermione asked as she flipped through the book.  
  
George shrugged. "A reporter."  
  
Sirius snapped his fingers, the sudden sound shocking everyone. "No _wonder_ I never got a trial! All the shit I did as a kid they turned against me!"  
  
Hermione began to fade softly, but stopped it by engaging in conversation with Draco, who was biting into a light bulb.  
  
He spit out the glass. "Not chocolate!" he screamed.  
  
"And people say _Remus_ is a chocoholic," Sirius whistled.  
  
"I am. I'm just not stupid."  
  
Hermione began to name ways to cure chocoholics, but was prevented from fading as Viktor threw a bucket of pale green paint on her.  
  
"When did you get here?" Ron asked.  
  
Harry laid an armful of candy and butterbeer on the table. "Just got back from Hogsmeade."  
  
"We found someone," Viktor added, stepping aside. Neville had collapsed on the floor next to him.  
  
"Neville!" Hermione yelled in concern.  
  
"Neville!" Remus also yelled, rushing to him.  
  
"A kid!" Sirius added. He didn't know Neville.  
  
"Why are you here?" Draco snarled.  
  
Remus muttered an incantation. "No use. He's dead."  
  
The others gasped. Ron sobbed about how he should have never invited him.  
  
Neville rose up. "Sorry. Happens all the time. Happy Birthday, Harry." He handed Harry a package. Harry took it, but he couldn't help staring. Neville collapsed again.  
  
"No pulse. No breathing. Eyes unfocused. Skin cold. He's dead, no doubt about it." Remus sighed. "I'm sorry."  
  
Harry ripped open the package. "COOL! Muggle clothes that _fit_!"  
  
He started to change while everyone mourned. After about two minutes, Neville rose up again. "Gram got those from some store that closed down. I remembered your clothes were in bad shape and stole you some."  
  
"WOW!"  
  
Remus checked Neville again. Pulse 68. Breath rate 22. Temperature normal. But it had been nothing a moment ago.  
  
"Sorry I died again. I'm a little allergic to- Okay, I just die a lot, I don't have any allergies."  
  
"And people say werewolf blood's valuable," Sirius mumbled.  
  
Hermione started to explain how valuable when Viktor tossed paint again.  
  
Harry really hates his life. 


End file.
